Killing your friends has never been this much fun!
Do you remember when things were easy, and your good friend would maybe play a trick on you and tie your shoes together? And you’d fall over, and say something like, “Oh Dennis, you silly string bean!” That was fun right?
Well good. As long as you can remember them.
These days all of our cymbal-crashing personalities have created a splendidly visually violent society of mad–scientist–artists (like myself and anyone who reads this weird thing), and I must say most, of us have “evolved” methods of saying hello to one another. Below is an excerpt of how my friend Zach and I communicate on pretty much, a daily basis. For posterity, I titled it, because Zach would have not wanted that and I would have don’t you see that’s how our genius flows!
Until Death Do you .. Die
by Zach Muhn and Anthony Muñoz
Zach: i am looking forward to beating the shit out of you
1:02 PM me: dude, he’s coming and we’re going to kill him!
oh shit, wrong windwo
1:03 PM Zach: anthony munoz is a dead man
1:04 PM me: you are on the path to pure destruction…
1:05 PM Zach: if pain was a verb, i would be verbing you with it
1:06 PM me: if pain was my fist on your neck, you would be dead man walking.
Zach: if necks could be broken, i would break yours. Oh wait, they can. Prepare for death.
1:07 PM me: Have you heard of Elliott Smith? Good. You will be meeting him tomorrow night.
Prepare for Death!
Zach: hey are you a big fan of Metalocalypse? Also, i am going to murder you.
1:08 PM me: Oh great! I love that band, you will be dead as soon as you step onto my lawn.
1:09 PM Zach: oh man, its gonna be so great hanging out with you(r dead body that i will have killed).
me: I can’t wait to see by best friend (who shall be ground into dust by my murderous habits of the dark night)
1:13 PM Zach: man, its gonna be awesome to make music (by stepping on your corpse which willmake dead sounds)
1:14 PM me: yeah, i can’t wait to bury you in the back yard (I will bury you in the backyard after I murder you).
1:15 PM okay, seriously though, it will be great to see you stabbed.
10 o’clock, 2 o’clock, 10 o’clock, 2 o’clock
1:18 PM me: Dude, what are we doing? This is crazy, I want to see you and kill your face off.
Simple as that.
1:22 PM Zach: man, i don’t mean any of this, except the part about wanting you dead, so dead that you are unable to live, dead and buried forever.
1:23 PM me: man, that’s cool, i totally understand that you’re murderous bastard who will do anything to kill off his friends, only to again realize that he is himself insane, driven by his own desire to kill his father. which of course, means i really care about you, being dead.
1:24 PM Zach: thats a sweet thing for a friend to say, particularly to the guy thats going to kill him with a gun.
1:25 PM me: you know, a funny thing: i actually am going to come back when i’m dead, IF YOU KILL ME, and rape your life until you go insane and kill yourself with a selfmade killing robot.
so, in the end, i win. you fail.
1:26 PM Zach: well, if that were to happen, you know that it would be infact only a version of a story i was writing, so in real life i win and YOU FAIL forever and ever, die deadman die.
1:27 PM me: You see, again, we reach this arena of confusion, you’re. Already, dead, Zach Muhn, you’re a dead man walking.
Zach: whats that anthony munoz? i cant hear you because DEAD MAN TELL NO TALES. and you are the dead man in that word equation.
1:29 PM me: well done. for a dead person, zach. when are you going to wake up and realize that you’ve been dead for these last few years? dead! You died! I know, I was there, I watched you die! Yet, you continue to come back, again, and again — haunting the very man that killed you!
Mark my words, Muhn, no more! Nay, no more!
1:30 PM Zach: you know what anthony? if im dead, then that means you are very dead, because my only wish to the True God was that anything that happened to me would happen thrice as much to you. So, welcome to tripledead.
1:33 PM me: Being tripledead, meant that he was living a life full of bad memories and ancient visions…it was a thing of the past for Anthony…who since lurked in the shadows, plagued by his own thwarted schemes, his own destiny — he was rought with paranoid dreams of death, betrayal and worse, having realized that his best friend, Zach, was still at the bottom of the ocean, where his decaying body has been for over 10 years…. Anthony was in a sense, dead, but not as dead as Zach…his only friend…
1:34 PM who is in the medical and clinical sense, dead.
1:37 PM Zach: zach played the recording again, the one where anthony’s “zach is dead” fantasy came to fruition. He stopped the recording and realized that it had been over 10 years since he had killed anthony. And in those 10 years, he never doubted once that it was right to kill him.
1:42 PM me: Finally, the last page in the script. The producers at Simon and Gargenfield Inc., loved the script. Where 2 best friends committ murderous vows to each other, and where eventually, one friend dies of cancer. It was a beautiful script, and the producers loved it, wanted to make a film out of it — wanted to give me the hard cash for making their day with such incredible ideas and new directions. Only they would never know. They would never know, that Zach was in fact, dead. Buried under the steps at an old cemetary in some town I’ll never return to… I miss Zach… but it’s, better…this way…
1:49 PM Zach: and that’s how zach‘s blog ended, with the words”its better this way.” zach knew that noone could really believe that the story had actually ended up the opposite way, with anthony very dead and buried in a post office somewhere in Montana. But, the interent is a big place, and there are a lot of dead anthonys. Zach, however, only remembers the one anthony…the one that he killed.
1:52 PM me: ……odd…a new revision… “Clarice! Get me Anthony on the phone now! I love this new revision!”
1:53 PM Zach: Zach:”ahhh, youtube. where anything can happen, except only the one thing did – i killed anthony and filmed a fantastical twist story where it looks like I didnt sometimes! I love dead anthony.”
1:59 PM me: It was at this point that I realized, this could no longer go on…the Zach Muhn memories, the twists, the lies, all of it — inside my head, forever haunting me since that fateful night in Montana…did I die, did he die? Who died? What died? What was reborn? So many questions, confusion after confusion…. I fear, I may end it all… And if I did, I could kill the voice, in my head, I could kill Zach Muhn, once and for all!
2:01 PM Zach: and thus Zach Muh the God-child did smile on his flock, and regretted only one thing: killing anthony, the creator of such fantastical zach-death stories.
2:02 PM me: They say that if you kill a man, you kill his every action, all of what he can and will be… when Zach shot Anthony that night, he forgot one thing… To kill him…
2:05 PM Zach: anthony is dead. sprry everyone, my play only ends this way.
2:11 PM me: Ironic slow clapping… Excellent work, Zach. Excellent work indeed.